The Wacky Adventures of Jean Valdepardieu
by LesMisLoony
Summary: Don't have six hours free to watch the 2000 LM miniseries starring Gerard Depardieu?  Don't speak French?  Well, here's an abridged version of the film to let you know what you're missing... if anything.  Please check out my youtube recap as well!
1. Smoking Dogs!  No, really

A/N- Okay, so in 2000 there was a four-part French miniseries starring my beloved Gerard Depardieu as Valjean. I've wanted to see it forever, but they only had a four-hour version out on DVD for ages. The complete six-hour one was released in French, so I scuttled over to eBay and bought myself a copy, but didn't realise that it didn't have any subtitles at all, French or English, until I got it. So I found out that I don't know French as well as I thought I did, but things worked out relatively well and I'm not completely lost. So, it started out pretty accurately, but then things started getting crazy and I decided that everyone should know about this movie, whether or not they speak French, so this is my abridged version of the Depardieu movie for anyone who wants to know what happens therein. It's meant to be funny, but it probably isn't. As OrestesFasting put it, this movie is cracktastic.

X

We open onto a burning prison. Why it is on fire isn't really addressed, or maybe it is but I wasn't listening. Whatever.

Gerard Depardieu, bald and strangely reminiscent of those ogres in "Ella Enchanted," saves a guy from fire and exhibits super strength.

John Malkovich, speaking French VERY SLOWLY, rewards him for his valour by sentencing him to many, many more years in prison. Gerard ValDepardieu seriously considers attacking Javert Malkovich, but is restrained by some other convicts. Javert then wanders away to stare at some pictures of bald heads. No, really. He does. Jean Valjean is left to flashback to stealing the bread. Oh, so THAT'S why he's in prison! Thanks for clearing that one up. (Also, Jean was kind of hot as a kid. Not that Depardieu isn't lovable. Just not… you know… sexy.)

Meanwhile, two women are dancing together while their menfolk look on. This illustrates that they are young! And whimsical! And quite possibly bi! They're at a place called "The Smoking Dogs." No, really. There is blonde pretty one, who is clearly Favoudahlizephine, and her black-haired friend, Fantine. Yes, black-haired. They plop down at the table with their lovers, who tell them they have a surprise.

Well, we all know where this is going.

But no! Favoudahlizephine blabs to the menfolk that Fantine has a baby, or is going to have a baby, or something, and the guys get the heck out of there. Fantine is like, "Aw, they're going to get me champagne! That's sweet." And Favoudahlizephine is like, "Yeah… champagne… totally." Meanwhile the men jump in a carriage and ride off into the sunset.

Cut to that night, when Fantine and Favoudahlizephine are STILL SITTING AT THAT TABLE. Fantine's like, "D'you think they found the champagne yet?" No, Fantine. They're STILL LOOKING. Haven't you heard of the infamous Parisian Champagne Shortage of 1815?

Back in the flammable prison, Jean Valjean is getting his yellow passport, and Javert is gazing at sketches of bald heads again. Valjean says it's weird that his passport is yellow, because yellow is a gay colour. Also, I think he likes Tuesdays. Man, I suck at French.

Fantine sees an inn and a little girl playing out front, so she decides this is a good place to leave little Cosette. Okay, I'm confused. I know my understanding of French is kind of sketchy, but how could Felix not know that Fantine had his baby if said baby was a few years old? Did he somehow miss nine months of pregnancy and a birth? Unless time has passed since he left her? In which case a title card would be nice. Let's just say time has passed. Fantine spent a few years waiting for the boys to come back to "The Smoking Dogs," but they never did. I bet she even gave birth to Cosette while she was there. Whatever.

Anyway, Fantine wanders into the Sergeant of Waterloo and drops Cosette off with the Thénardiers. Also? Madame Thénardier is prettier than Fantine. Also? Azelma exists. Fantine wanders away, leaving Cosette in Madame Thénardier's arms, and Madame Thénardier starts making out with her husband, accidentally dropping Cosette. Cosette: "Ow!" That made me giggle.

Oh, right, there's a bishop in Les Mis! I'd almost forgotten. Well, he takes Valjean in to his Mansion of Inaccuracy. Jean gets up in the middle of the night and goes into the bishop's room with a knife, but decides not to kill the guy because he looks like Sean Bean and cries in his sleep. He steals the silver, blahdeblah, you know this part. The bishop saves his soul. Then Valjean meets Petit-Gervais, an adorable little blond kid who apparently carries a beaver around with him, and steals his coin. Then he sees the bishop's silver in his bag and he's like, "…crap."

Cut! Fantine is working in a factory and the forewoman is kind of a jerk.

Cut! Javert is being transferred to Montreuil-sur-Mer. We know time has passed because his hair is kind of grey-ish. He says he wants to meet the mayor, and then they take him on a tour of the factory. The mayor pops up. Fantine is working in the background like a good girl. Javert clearly doesn't recognize Mayor Valjean, even though it's Gerard Depardieu. They chat about Toulon or prison or something. Javert is wearing a leather trenchcoat. Yes, you read that right. Black. leather.

Thénardier writes Fantine a letter about how great Cosette is doing while Madame beats Cosette with a doll in the background. Also, he wants more money. Fantine writes back and gives her letter to the forewoman, who is apparently also Madame Victurnien, to deliver. The forewoman is like, "You can totally trust me not to read your mail, Fantine!" and Fantine is like, "Great!" and walks away. The moment she turns her back, Madame Victurnien rips into the letter. What a bitch.

Fauchelevant shows up in Madeleine's office to assert himself and remind everyone that he HATES Madeleine. Javert pops in to make sure everything's okay and this scene is kind of pointless.

Madame Victurnien fires Fantine for having a kid. Fantine's like, "But I'm really a great person!" and Victurnien tells her to take it up with the mayor. What a bitch.

Javert is riding along in his carriage and sees a whore. It's Fantine! He tells her to scram or he'll arrest her. Fantine has long hair and front teeth. And is dressed in RED. How OMINOUS.

Cut! Some guy is tying his cravat and threatening not to pay a disheveled Fantine for her services. But he does. Okay.

Javert tells Madeleine he saw a prostitute. Madeleine's like, "…Okay, that's swell. Thanks for sharing." and walks out into a crowd of people who love him while Javert lurks in the shadows and glowers.

Cut! Fantine is on a bed and Javert is reading her mail. WTF? He tells her that it's dumb to be a ho when you should just find work somewhere else. And they talk for awhile about something. Then Javert leaves, glowering over his shoulder as he slowly… shuts… the… door.

Fantine goes to a tooth-puller, who cuts her hair. But doesn't pull her teeth. Now she has a haircut just like Natalie Portman!

Javert is hanging out with Madeleine, which he seems to do a lot, and suddenly they hear that Fauchelevant is trapped under a cart! Gerard ValDepardieu runs out into the snow and saves the man who used to hate him! Javert is engulfed in the flames of flashback, and tells Madeleine that he reminds him of a convict while some guy with hilarious facial expressions looks on.

Cut! Fauchelevant is in a hospital bed, being tended by a young nun who is clearly the long-lost child of Angelina Jolie and Liv Tyler. Madeleine shows up and expositions that Sister Simplice has never told a lie. THAT'S Simplice? Oh my GOD. Fauchelevant expositions right back, letting Madeleine know that he loves him so much he would share a little gardening shack with him and tell nuns that he was his long-lost brother Ultime. Sister Simplice is unnaturally beautiful and I am confused.

Javert denounces Madeleine as Valjean. This takes the movie about five hours. I just did it in five words.

Cut! The creepiest thing I've ever seen. The Thénardiers are making out in bed, practically copulating, when Éponine and Azelma wander in. It still takes their parents a few seconds to stop macking on each other and rolling around. The girls tell them that someone is knocking on the door, so Madame goes to answer it. Then the little girls CLIMB IN BED WITH THE MAN WHO HAS PROBABLY NOT YET RECOVERED FROM HIS NEAR-SEX EXPERIENCE. And he tells them the story of his glory at Waterloo.

Meanwhile, Madame Thénardier has answered the door to reveal Javert. Loony is still very confused by this scene. Okay, so Javert says he's on his way to Montreuil and asks for a room and some food. Madame Thénardier whips back a curtain and reveals Tam! I mean… Cosette… and sends her out to get some wood. Cosette is weirdly enthralled by the leather-clad Javert as she wanders past him and out the door. Also, she's adorable. Madame Thénardier tells Javert he's going to have so much fun sleeping over! She served soup for Napoleon! Javert ices on her parade by informing her that he's a fan of the king. …Oh. Then they talk about Cosette, and I wish I had subtitles. Then Javert leaves. Good thing they sent Cosette out for wood, I guess. Javert passes the kid on the stairs and asks her how she's doing. Cosette's like, "Just great. See my bruises and dirty hair? And the way I'm fetching wood for you while you LEAVE? Yeah, my life is awesome." Javert stares at her nearsightedly and inappropriately as she walks away.

Cut! Fantine beats the crap out of Bamatabois for throwing garbage at her and making fun of her new 'do, so Javert arrives from Montfermeil and arrests her. Dude is fast. At the jail, Sister Sexy Simplice is wandering around pleading Fantine's case. Aw, they're gonna be BFF's! Madeleine shows up and demands her release even after she spits on his face. Depardieu brings the awesome.

Cut! Sister Sexy Simplice and Madeleine are in his office, and they are flirting. I don't even care; they are clearly, seriously flirting. And it's weird. Madeleine plays with his candlestick. Is that a euphemism?

Some later date, and Javert asks Madeleine to denounce him and fire him and stuff, and we all know this scene. He doesn't, also, Chapmathieu. Okay.

Madeleine is conflicted. He plays with his candlestick.

Sister Sexy Simplice is sleeping in a chair by Fantine's bed. Madeleine comes in, and they make eyes at each other for a while. He says he can't fetch Cosette, or something.

Madeleine gets a cabriolet from some guy, and he gallops away to Arras at top speed! At least, I assume it's Arras. The trial, anyway. When he arrives, everyone wonders why they thought this guy was Valjean, because he looks nothing like Gerard Depardieu. Whatever. Madeleine reveals himself and leaves.

Part one ends here.

Tune in for Part Two, which has the world's most hideous Marius, emo!Eponine, and a Gavroche who is apparently immune to aging.


	2. Innapropriate Relations and Fugliness

It's part two! We begin with Javert slowly walking down a long, long flight of stairs. Cripes, this is dull. And apparently pointless, because we immediately

Cut! to Chez Thénardier, where typical stuff is happening. This is also kind of pointless, so we

Cut! to Fantine's deathbed, as Sister Sexy Simplice tells her that the mayor went to fetch Cosette. Madeleine, who I shall now call Valjean, sprints in, and Fantine asks where Cosette is. Valjean is like, "OMG Simplice I can't believe you LIED!" and I wonder why it was that important that she'd break her lifelong vow and lie over something so random. Javert strolls in and sweetly sits on the side of Fantine's bed, carefully bringing her up to speed on what a LIAR Valjean is and how she will NEVER… EVER… SEE… COSETTE… AGAIN. What a douche! Fantine agrees with me, and responds by dying. Javert tells Valjean to come along nicely, but Depardieu AWESOMELY JUMPS THROUGH THE SECOND FLOOR WINDOW AND DASHES AWAY. My ovaries approve.

Cue chase scene! There are dogs and a river and stuff. Valjean finally ends up setting fire to a shed and then hiding in it. Works every time.

Valjean returns to the House of Simplice, where he and the unnaturally good-looking sister flirt. He asks her to turn around while he changes clothes, and you totally know she wants to peek. But, I mean, she already lied, so why not go all the way? She doesn't, though. Valjean finishes changing and tells her she can turn around, but she won't because looking at him will make her cry. So she doesn't turn around, but she cries anyway. Valjean grabs some money and leaves.

Javert tells somebody about Cosette. I think.

Chez Thénardier. Cosette goes out to fetch some water from the well in the wood. Goofy-looking Éponine approves, and Azelma once again reminds everyone that she exists. Madame gives Cosette some money to buy bread, or whatever, and Cosette goes out in the woods and drops the money and Valjean shows up and you know. Stuff. He buys the Thénardier girls' doll for Cosette, and the Thénardiers let Cosette sleep in their bed while Valjean stares at her from a nearby chair. That's… inappropriate. The Thénardiers are snoozing on the attic floor. And when I say snoozing, I mean making out. Geez. Thénardier has one of those gendarme-disguised-as-a-bourgeois sword-cane things. He takes it downstairs, and finds that Valjean and Cosette are gone.

And where have they gone? Why, to an outdoor market, where they meet the poofy-haired guy who cut Fantine's hair. Apparently, besides wig-making and tooth-pulling, he sells little girls' clothes! So Cosette goes into his cart to change. While she's in there, Thénardier wanders up and threatens Valjean, but Valjean threatens him right back and the innkeeper runs off with his tail between his legs. Cosette emerges, clad in mourning _blue_, and Valjean looks her up and down, saying that she looks just like her mother. Inappropriate!

Javert shows up at the inn and arrests Thénardier for selling children. I'm not kidding about that. It happens.

Suddenly, we see a gamin pushing a coffin around. I guess this is a shoutout to the Valjean-escapes-in-a-coffin scene that everyone ignores despite its awesomeness. Some guy takes the coffin from the gamin, calling the boy Gavroche. Oh, that's Gavroche? Okay, apparently we've jumped ahead in time.

Or so you think!

Valjean appears, holding sleeping little Cosette in his arms, and Gavroche takes him to some kind of abandoned shed full of carriages. He says something about rats, which alarms young Cosette, who is YOUNGER THAN GAVROCHE. Apparently this is their way of apologizing for excluding the elephant and the boys. I guess Valjean and young Cosette spend the night there. Valjean tells Gavroche that his name is Monsieur Leblanc and drops some money for him to find.

Cut! Javert appears, still wearing the black leather, and gets some lackey to follow Valjean and find out where he lives. And that would be the Gorbeau place. Yay. Ma'am Bougon mentions that a cop moved in down the hall, so Valjean grabs Cosette and runs. Cue a chase scene that is awesomely like the one in the Book, ending with Valjean hoisting Cosette up the wall via a rope and both of them landing in the nun garden.

Javert stands in the dead-end alley where Valjean disappeared and stares at the wall for several months. I think.

Fauchelevant takes "Madeleine" and Cosette in, and things progress in the Bookverse. Except for the amazing coffin escapade, but I have yet to see that included in a movie.

Javert talks to some guy. He has way too much screentime in this movie, and I think it's because he's John Malkovich. But he's boring.

Cut! It's the Gorbeau tenement, and Gavroche is dragging a monstrously ugly guy up to Ma'am Bougon, telling her that his friend would like a room there, and also he is a baron. Loony: "Oh please oh please let Gavroche have a friend who is a baron but isn't sweet little—"

Gavroche: "His name is Marius!"

Loony: (facedesk)

Okay, let me describe this man for you. He has really thick, Soul-Glo curly black hair, which is weirdly shiny. In profile, his face kinda slopes outward toward his pointy chin, and he has freakishly huge teeth like Guy Pearce. And fat lips. His nose is long, crooked, thin, and points downward. From the neck down, though, the guy is kinda cute. His name is Enrico Lo Verso. Imdb him or something. He's monstrous. Hahaha, on imdb someone started a thread on his message board called "ICK" that basically discusses how ugly he is. Word, person on imdb. Word. Anyway…

Gavroche is helping "Marius" move into the Gorbeau tenement, and Marius finds a child's drawing taped to the wall. Obviously, it's something Cosette left behind, because it's a picture of a little girl with a bucket in the woods, and a giant shadow behind her that represents Sylar. Or the phantom of the opera. Or something. Marius kinda pokes the picture but leaves it there. Right-o. Ma'am Bougon tells him all about Valjean and Cosette living there for a while, but I don't really know why he would care at this point, seeing how he hasn't met either of them and probably wouldn't associate "Ursula" with Ma'am Bougon's boring story anyway. Gavroche stands around. Marius is his BFF.

In the convent, Valjean is wandering around spying on pretty grown-up Cosette, and a lot of really boring stuff happens that is really unnecessary to the plot. Basically, they cast some well-known old French actress as Mere Innocente, so they thought they would write in a bunch of crap for her to do, including Javert coming in and asking all sorts of questions about the gardeners, and Mere Innocent lying about it and asking someone off camera to whip her afterwards. Kinky!

Also, Valjean and pretty grown-up Cosette are lying in bed together—Inappropriate!—and Jean tells her about her mother Fantine.

Fauchelevant and Valjean chill in the chapel and spy inappropriately on Cosette, talking about how she's the prettiest of them all and stuff. Cosette keeps grinning at them. This is weird. And at some point Valjean mouths off to a guy who may or may not be the prefect of police.

Mere Innocent wants Cosette to be a nun, but Cosette doesn't want to, so they pack their things. Fauchelevant comes up behind Valjean and whispers in his ear that he talks in his sleep. Am I just getting tired, or is everything that's happening in the convent here completely dirty?

Meanwhile, the Thénardier family is also moving into the Gorbeau tenement. They run into Gavroche and fugly Marius in the hall, and Gavroche introduces him as a baron. Again. You can tell the Thénardiers have fallen on hard times because Monsieur's hair is slightly long and disheveled. They introduce themselves as the Jondrettes, and the emo Christina Ricci look-alike in a bright red dress darts forward and tells Marius that her name is Éponine, but he can call her "'Ponine." I had to pause the movie and run away for a few minutes at this point. Also, Éponine looks weird. Her hair is WalMart-dyed black, and there are always a few pieces hanging in front of her face. Grown up Azelma looks awesomely like little Azelma, though, so I give them props for that. Anyway, Marius gives them some money and welcomes them to the neighbourhood. Éponine drools at him as he walks away. You know what, Éponine? He's hideous; you can have him.

Anyway, Valjean and Cosette bid Mere Innocente a tender farewell, which includes the following line from Valjean:

"You said she would be ugly, but she became pretty. Very pretty. Too pretty, perhaps."

He tells Cosette to laugh, and she does, which mortifies the Mother, who tells them that NO ONE LAUGHS IN HER CONVENT, FOOL! Then Cosette kisses Mere Innocente on the cheek and they wander off. …Right.

Cut! It's a lecture hall, I'm guessing at a school, and our very own fugly Marius is giving a speech that's probably about freedom and crap to lots of pretty college boys. Loony sees someone with a bald head in the crowd and screams, LAIGLE! But… more on this in a sec. Anyway, Marius finishes rambling, and everybody starts cheering for him. Then, his bestest friend Enjolras starts talking about how cool he is to the bald-headed guy, who turns around and IS JAVERT. Why is Javert popping up all over the place like Waldo? I'm getting peeved. Also, where did all his grey shoulder-length hair go?

Marius and his bestest friend Enjolras go to the Café Musain and sing "La Marsellaise" while Javert sits in the front room and glowers at them over the top of a newspaper.

Cut! Marius wanders around in a park and sees Cosette. But that isn't enough for fugly Marius, who walks up to her and stares into her face in a really disconcerting way. Apparently Cosette has as much trouble seeing fugliness as Éponine, because she starts blushing like mad, but Valjean asserts himself from a nearby bench. Marius is like, "Hey, I've never seen you guys around this park before!" and Valjean is like, "Bugger off, wanker." (He's very British right now.) So he grabs Cosette and they leave, but she spends so much time gazing at Marius over her shoulder it's amazing she doesn't bump into grouchy old Jean. Cosette puts a handkerchief on the bench before she leaves the park, and Marius grabs it and starts rubbing it all over his face.

Cut! Some convicts are being transported through the streets, and people are yelling at them. Cosette and Valjean see them. This is another shoutout to the Book. Marius is lurking and sees Cosette walk by, but does a really crappy job of stalking her. Back in his room, he describes her to his bestest friend Gavroche, who is STILL THE SAME AGE he was before Cosette went into the convent. He tells Gavroche that her name is Ursula, according to the handkerchief, and asks the gamin to find her. Gavroche walks out the door, sees Cosette, and goes back inside, telling Marius that he found her. Wow, either Marius is really good at describing people or it's common knowledge that there is only one mildly pretty girl in all of Paris.

The Jondrettes also see that Cosette is approaching the Gorbeau place (with Valjean in tow, of course) and they put out their fire and have Azelma pretend to be sick. Yep, we know where this is going. They pretend to be worse off than they are for the sake of Valjean, and Éponine spits on Azelma. I'm… not sure why. Next door, Gavroche stacks a chair on the dresser and pops a little cork out of a hole in the wall so Marius can spy on Cosette. …Right. Also? He and Gavroche are both trying to see through the little hole, so they're kind of clutching each other in order to make sure no one falls off the chair, and it's really inappropriate. They see that Cosette is leaving and Marius makes another half-assed attempt to stalk her. C'mon, Fugly, the REAL Marius wouldn't give up THAT easy! He and Gavroche settle for clutching each other again and eavesdropping on the Thénardiers, only succeeding in learning that her name is Cosette. They grin at each other lovingly, and we fade to black.

End part two! Tune in for part three, which includes a Barricade Boy sleepover, more extremely inappropriate relationships between unlikely characters, and the unexpected return of Fauchelevant.


	3. Let's Build a Barricade!  Yay!

Part three begins with another shot of Javert walking somewhere. Ugh. He's still wearing the black leather trenchcoat, by the way. Also? He is painfully dull.

Thénardier is wandering through a creek and approaches a sewer grate. The world's fugliest Marius and his bestest friend Gavroche are watching him. What the crap is going ON? Some scruffy guys appear in the grate, and apparently they're the Patron-Minette, and Thénardier's recruiting them for his big Valjean Caper tonight. Oh, wow, that's almost canon!

Gasp! Continuing in this bizarre "accuracy" trend, Marius goes skipping off to Javert, tells him about the Valjean caper, and gets a pistol! Loony stops listening to the dialogue here when she realises that Javert's ears flap when he talks. She then rewinds the scene and rewatches it several times just to enjoy this little morsel of oddity. John Malkovich may be the most boring Javert ever, but at least he can wiggle his ears. That's entertainment.

Marius returns to his room at the Gorbeau place and finds his bestest friend Gavroche perched on the chair again, gazing through the peephole. Fugly Marius climbs up and joins him, getting all handsy again. Blech. Next door, Valjean is being overpowered by the Patron-Minette. Éponine is there, by the way, and for some reason half the scene is just her blank face staring past the camera while you HEAR the kafuffle going on in the room. Why take away screentime from Depardieu being awesome, idiotic editor? Ugh, whatever.

On the other side of the wall, Marius suddenly realises that Thénardier saved his father's life, and he can't fire the pistol and summon Javert. Gavroche pesters him until he tells us the whole story. No flashback or anything, by the way. Just Fugly expositioning. Meanwhile, Javert is lurking downstairs, telling people that they will NOT go into the house and stop the Very Noisy Valjean Caper until he hears Marius's signal.

Finally, Fugly does something the real Marius would never do, and grows a pair. Gasp! He goes, "Father, forgive me!" and fires the gun into the air, bringing Javert to the scene. Valjean sees said Javert and JUMPS OUT ANOTHER SECOND-FLOOR WINDOW oh thank you thank you film. Loony lurves her some Depardieu. Not in the please-marry-me-Montparnasse way, but in the aww-will-you-be-my-teddybear? way. Ahem. This film has no cute "would you like to borrow my hat" line, but I think the movie's sole ambition was to suck all the humour out of LM, because I sorely missed the bishop's "my greatness doesn't extend to that shelf" as well. Rawr.

Anyway, Javert LEAVES THE CRIMINALS WHERE THEY ARE, because telling them to stay put is really going to work you moron, and goes next door to have a chat with Marius. I forgot to listen to this scene as well, as I was busy wondering what Montparnasse was doing without Éponine, but I think the basic idea here is that Javert finds out that Valjean was the intended victim and is put-out that he didn't achieve his life's goal by arresting Jean. Whatever.

A police station, presumably the next day. Javert talks to a guy. Loony is still thinking about Depardieu jumping through the window and forgets to listen. Again. This might become a recurring pattern for part three.

Possibly the café Musain. Marius talks to his bestest friend Enjolras and tells him all about his new ladylove Cosette. He just LOVES saying her name in front of all his buddies. They ALL know about Cosette and his undying love for her.

Some garden somewhere. A weirdly round bald-headed guy is shuffling around, and then we see Cosette tending plants in the background. WTF? So then we hear Valjean's voice calling, "Toussaint!" from inside the house, and the weirdly round-headed guy looks up and ambles toward the voice. Wait, so Toussaint is a creepy man? Um. Okay. If only that was the weirdest thing we've seen thus far. And, kids? It just gets weirder before the day's out. Part four almost made my head explode. But patience, we'll get there!

Cosette's Bedroom. Cosette is asleep, and Valjean comes in and opens the curtains. He sits on her bed and apologizes for making her move and change names all the time, and she's like, "Who cares, Daddy, ILU!" So, yeah. Valjean tells her she's pretty about five hundred times. Or if he doesn't, he's thinking it.

The Garden Again. Señor Toussaint is prowling around in the underbrush while Cosette gardens. I… totally just saw this scene. Except for the part where emo-Éponine shows up at the gate in her weirdly red dress. She's like, "Hey, Cosette, remember me? Éponine Thénardier. Or Jondrette. Or something. My mom used to beat you?" and Cosette's like, "Um… no, doesn't ring a bell. Whatchoo want, girl?" Éponine basically tells her she's hungry, like, can't she tell that to any random bourgeois on the street? Why go through all the trouble to hunt Cosette down and bring back her repressed childhood memories just to ask for a handout? Éponine runs off. With no handout.

Some Shadowy Place I Assume is the Sewers. Éponine comes running in and meets up with two guys, who I'm pretty sure she calls Claquesous and Bigrenaille. Oh, Monty, how I miss you. She says something about the Rue Plumet, and I don't think it had anything to do with it being a "biscuit." In fact, I get the idea that she's instigating the whole thing.

Another Gate, but apparently it's the Entrance to a Prison. The world's fugliest Marius asks a Prison Guard to let him see Thénardier, but the Prison Guard totally shuts him down. As Marius is leaving, he bumps into effing Éponine, who makes a useless attempt to get her hair out of her face in order to impress him with her astounding miserable streetrat under-appreciated beauty. Marius says he's there to give her father a letter, and Éponine agrees to take it in to him.

The Prison Visiting Room? Thénardier and Éponine are conversing over a table while Prison Guards mosey around outside. She gives him Marius's letter, which is more exposition about the Great Waterloo Adventures in Barony, and then Éponine passes him a wine bottle with a knife inside and waves surprisingly perkily at a guard. Suddenly Loony realises that Éponine is the only person in this film whose voice is NOT following her mouth, and she rewinds it a few times to see if the actress is actually speaking English. Maybe? A quick internet search would answer this question, but it would also involve doing something vaguely productive, thus will not happen.

The Worst Thing that Happens in this Part of the Movie. Except… not. Éponine and Marius are strolling down the boulevard together, tralalalala, and Marius mentions that he kinda digs Cosette. Éponine is like, "Golly, and I know her address!" and Marius starts panicking and demanding she spill, saying he'll give her anything, even MONEY! Éponine says she doesn't want her money. Marius: "Well, what do you want?"

Éponine: "You."

Loony: (facedesk)

After several minutes of running around the dorm screaming "WTF?!?" Loony returns and unpauses the film.

Apparently Christina Ricci look-alikes throw themselves at Marius all the time, because their conversation just strolls right along after this RIDICULOUS REVELATION, and Loony would like to take a moment to point out that these characters are all being way too honest with each other. Think about it.

Éponine and Marius arrive in the Rue Plumet, and Éponine starts soliloquizing while Marius completely ignores her and stares into the empty garden. She blah-blahs about how much she loves him, and he is totally, hilariously not listening, so she runs away crying. Then, Fugly spies a Cosette on the horizon! Marius calls Cosette over and shows her the handkerchief she placed on the bench while GAZING AT HIM last episode, and Cosette's like, "Oh, wow, you found my handkerchief!" and Marius is all, "You… left it on a bench for me?" and starts to climb the gate. Cosette doesn't really approve, so he starts being poetic and tells her that he loves her. Valjean calls from inside the house, and FINALLY Cosette seems to be glad to see Marius, because she tells him to come back the next day. Oh, chemistry, where are thou?

Awkward Valjean Family Manse. Valjean and Cosette talk about happiness over dinner, and then Jean goes off to read a book aloud to himself. Señor Toussaint stumbles in and holds up a chalkboard that informs Valjean that Cosette is hanging out with someone in the garden. Two things: WTF Señor Toussaint has to communicate by chalkboard?!? and Valjean basically responds by saying, "No she doesn't have a visitor in the garden, silly man!" This scene is… weird.

Lecture Hall Full of Hot French Boys. And Marius. Marius and his bestest friend Enjolras interrupt class with their love… I mean, warmongering… and a bunch of cops bust in and arrest everyone. Um… isn't this movie supposed to be based on Les Misérables by Victor Hugo, or am I missing something? Marius is being escorted out by cops until he sees Javert, and they talk for a while as Loony watches Javert's flappy ears VERY carefully. His eyebrows are also hilariously mobile. Marius mentions Cosette, and Javert is all, OMG COSETTE? and Marius is like, Yeah, what about it? And that's this scene in a nutshell. Marius walks away, and Javert gazes after him.

Valjean House. Jean shows up and buys Cosette a new dress. He also ignores another note from Señor Toussaint claiming that Cosette is entertaining lads in the garden. Why?

Speaking of the garden, there it is, and there's Cosette entertaining a lad! Marius shows up and now has a key somehow. And no, Cosette didn't give it to him, because he shows it to her all "check what I did, baby!" and Cosette's like, "sweet!" So he opens the gate, which is VERY padlocked, and the moment he comes in he starts pawing at Cosette's face, like, "Mmm, at last I can touch you!" which is disturbing and hilarious.

Chez Valjean. Valjean talks to a guy. Loony is still laughing at Marius shoving his hands all over Cosette's face, and doesn't listen, but gets the idea that it involves mentioning Javert and making Valjean want to move to England. This idea comes from the fact that a few minutes later, Valjean tells Cosette that they're moving to England. Cosette says she doesn't want to leave her friends, and Valjean rightly points out that she shouldn't exactly have any friends other than him. So Cosette faints. Cue another handsy scene with Valjean trying to console Cosette in bed. …That came off a little worse than it actually is, but my recap is already too wordy, so I don't think I'll clarify.

The Garden. Éponine wanders around amidst the moving-carriages and Cosette gives her a letter to deliver and a bracelet as payment. The letter is for Marius. Something tells me he's not going to get it before the barricades go up. And that something is Éponine's poorly-dubbed lips.

The Worst Escape Plan Ever. It's raining and it's dark, and three men are climbing down a rope. A nearby Éponine identifies them as Brujon, Babet, and Montparnasse. A very excited Loony presses her nose to the screen in an attempt to determine which of the shadowy figures is a handsome dandy, but is rewarded with the sight of two fat guys and an old guy. When she comes to, she decides that this movie is poo. In other news, Éponine goes to get Gavroche so he can help Thénardier get down off the wall in yet another surprising burst of semi-canon.

The Rue Plumet. The newly-liberated convicts decide to rob a house in broad daylight! Good idea, you effing retards. Lying low after breaking out of a heavily-guarded prison is for Book-based wimps. Anyways, Éponine keeps them from robbing it, and whatever. This scene takes place in the early morning, just to let you know.

A Bedroom. Enjolras is asleep. He kind of looks like a blend between Matt Damon and Guy Pearce, which is weird, but whatevs. There is a ruckus in the street, so Enjolras jumps up and runs to the window in his underwear, declaring that the revolution is starting without him OMG. Across the room, there is another bed, and in it is… Marius? Marius says he doesn't WANT to fight, because Cosette is pretty, and Enjolras playfully slaps him in the back of the head. My guess is that Marius didn't even feel that due to his massive crop of Jheri curls. Marius goes across the room and starts to shave, and strangely enough THIS is the part of this scene that bugs me the most. I'm not perturbed that Marius and Enjolras are having a sleepover, or that Marius tells everyone about his love for Cosette, but that he's able to grow a beard. And now that I think about it, Ma'am Bougon did NOT have a beard! I am distraught.

Some Boring Police Station Home to the World's Most Monotone Javert. I'm going to assume that the outcome of this scene is that Javert is going to spy at the barricades, because, believe it or not, I didn't listen.

Café Musain. Enjolras speechifies on a table. Among other things, he utters the now infamous: "We're going to build a barricade! Yay!" which is apparently even more hilarious if you buy the film dubbed in English, because I'm told the guy doing Enjy's voice has a thick German accent. Heh.

The Garden. Marius can't find Cosette. Instead, he comes across our old friend Éponine, who tells him his ladylove moved out and NO SHE DIDN'T LEAVE A NOTE FOR HIM. Oh, PS, he should totally go do the barricades. Marius is like, "Well, I guess I can only die now, so sure!" Wait… did I just mock canon?

The Barricades happen. Apparently, Courfeyrac is there too. Their barricade consists almost solely of paving stones, which is kind of retarded, but, you know. If you want accuracy, you're looking to the wrong movie. (huggles the Jean Gabin version, which includes Montparnasse)

The Convent. That's right; we're back at the stinking convent. Fauchelevant tells Mere Innocente that he totally quits, and whatever.

Chez Valjean. After soliloquizing at Señor Toussaint, Jean goes into Cosette's room and soliloquizes at her, even though she's clearly sleeping. Then he sees her blotter, holds it up to the mirror, and reads the love letter to Marius aloud. Cosette is still asleep. Then he runs out of the room. Cosette is still asleep. Then he slams the door. Cosette pops up, like, "What'd I miss?" Valjean yells at Señor Toussaint, probably saying, "Why didn't you TELL me Cosette was entertaining boys in the garden?!?" And Cosette comes in and he tells her she is NOT TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE until he comes back. A gun is involved.

Café Musain. The students build the barricade and do other revolution-y stuff. Javert is prowling around in his leather trenchcoat and top hat, glowering at them all. He's the bestest spy ever! Gavroche tells Enjolras that the guy prowling around glaring at them—also the guy who arrested a bunch of them from the lecture hall a few scenes ago—is a police spy. Enjolras DOES NOT BELIEVE HIM, so Gavroche goes out to the barricade and has some kind of argument with Javert. Then he and Javert gaze at each other from different sides of the street for a very long time. This is also inappropriate.

Valjean goes to some place and talks to some lady. (EDIT: cillabub has informed me, via review, that Marius gave Cosette _Enjolras's_ address, and, well, let me just quote her: "So when a pissed JVJ comes over to investigate who's been snogging his daughter, all the landlady can do is sputter and be all like, 'B-but M. Enjolras seemed like such a nice boy...!'" Either she speaks French better than Loony or she has subtitles, cos I didn't catch ANY of that… then again, I wasn't really listening. I was eating soup at this point, and it was burning my tongue, but that's really unimportant to everything.)

The Night is Falling Fast. Javert says something like, "There aren't enough of YOU," and Enjolras is like, "Why didn't you say there aren't enough of US? You aren't a SPY, are you?" And Javert responds by proudly showing him his badge. Again with the strange amounts of honesty! So they take Javert into the café and tie him to a pole, Book-style.

Fighting. There's shooting and stuff over the barricades, and the flag gets knocked down. Gavroche puts it back up, saying crap like, "Long live the revolution! Long like the republic! Long live MEEEEE!" and then there's a gunshot and he falls back off the barricade. Someone who is probably Courfeyrac runs over and is like, "OH NOES, GAVVIE!" but Gavroche just kind of grins and runs away, thus proving that he is either a mean-spirited little jerk or immortal. And judging by the fact that he hasn't aged at all since before Cosette went into the convent, I'm going to say it's the second one.

A Street. Valjean is wandering around in a giant phantom of the opera-ish cape, which he puts over some random corpse. Gavroche comes running up and they talk.

Café. Javert and Enjolras flirt about the sunrise, or something. Javert is weirdly shiny.

Elsewhere in the café. Enjolras and Courfeyrac have a Very Serious Discussion, and suddenly Loony realizes that Enjolras's throat moves in a crazy way like Javert's ears. She is enthralled.

The Battle. Shooting happens.

Valjean in a Street. Some guy hands him a bomb, or something. I don't know, this is as stupid as it is pointless.

Chez Valjean. Señor Toussaint brings Cosette some food, and she grabs a gun off him and threatens to kill him if he doesn't let her leave. Señor Toussaint just stares at her like, "Durr?" and she drops the gun because she CAN'T DO IT! Then Señor Toussaint runs away and locks her into the room. Way to go, Cosette.

The Battle. Shooting happens.

A Street. Éponine runs around and approaches the battle from behind the National Guard. Meanwhile, in the battle, the only important thing that happens is some guy gets awesomely run through by a bayonet. Then, the world's fugliest Marius comes skipping in with gunpowder and a torch and says if the National Guard don't bugger off, he'll BLOW UP THE BARRICADE! And himself as well. It totally works. I guess Fugly was reading the Brick and picked up this fantastic idea from the real Marius. Also, Éponine got shot. There are several dramatics shots of her dying, but then she gets up and stumbles over to the Café Musain so she can bug Fugly as she dies.

Éponine's Death on a Table. There is a LOT of blood, which is kinda neat. Éponine tells Marius what was in the letter from Cosette, and then she coughs up a lot more blood, and it's running out of her mouth and down her cheeks and it's INTENSE. Then she makes Marius promise to kiss her forehead when she dies, and promptly dies, so Marius KISSES HER ON THE LIPS. After she coughs up blood for fifteen minutes. That is beyond disgusting. Marius has now contracted seven diseases.

Another Street. Gavroche and Valjean are still conversing. I am Bored.

The Battle. People are still dying and stuff. Gavroche is there, I guess, and he does his little death scene, complete with singing the song with the same tune they had in the Jean Gabin movie. Way to salute a film that is far more accurate than you will ever be, miniseries. Anyway, he gets shot several times, and this time it really kills him. You can tell because he has a giant bullet hole in his chest. Valjean is now at the barricades, and he's standing there screaming, "GAVROCHE!!!!!" at the top of his lungs. He even tries to run over the barricades and save the boy, despite his current deadened state, but some revolutionaries hold him back.

Café Musain. Valjean requests permission to off Javert, IN PRIVATE, and he pulls out his pistol and holds it up to Javert's face and we fade to black roll credits OMG what will HAPPEN?!?

End of part three. Tune in for part four, which includes the most inappropriate and horrifying thing I have ever seen, practically ruining the whole story for me and everyone else. Prepare to be scarred.


	4. Loony's Brain Explodes

Part four! You'll probably never believe this, but Valjean lets Javert go and doesn't shoot him! The music is hilarious crappy, and it just… stops. Ridiculously. So Valjean comes running out of the back room and is all, "It's done!" and Enjolras is like… wow, so you silently shot a guy? Valjean: "STFU, boy, do you know who I am? I'm Depardieu, fool! You think Chuck Norris is tough? If he spoke French, we could star in a buddy cop movie and he'd be the bumbling sidekick!" …Okay, maybe that didn't actually happen outside of the realms of my mind.

The Waist-High Barricades. Shooting happens, including a hilariously CG explosion. Valjean grabs Marius, and Fugly is like, "Oh, hi grumpy old guy from the park with the hot daughter!" and then is knocked out by… something. Or maybe he faints, because Depardieu is touching his shoulder. One of the two. But yeah, Valjean realizes he's knocked out and gets all handsy with him in an effort to check his pulse, which is really worrisome considering the way Jean has also been with Cosette… and possibly Gavroche… Um, anyway, Valjean knows that Marius isn't dead, and so he starts wandering around. One of the National Guardsmen sees Valjean and comes running up, waving his arms and yelling, "Hey, looky, it's MEEE, your bestest friend, Fauchelevant! OMG 'member when we were living together at the convent and you used to talk in your sleep and inappropriately spy on your pretty daughter?! Wow, we sure have a lot of catching up to do, bestest best friend!" and Enjolras shoots him dead. Valjean is like, "Fool!" and Enjy is like, "LOL Whoops!"

Some Street. Jean is carrying Marius around, and he finds a sewer grate, and you know. Climbs in and stuff.

The Chamber of Secrets Set. Valjean is carrying Marius around, and narrowly misses being captured by an entire army, which is also running around in the sewer. He finds a rat and throws it, and since Fawkes the phoenix blinded the army they follow the sound of the rat instead of going for the husky guy carrying the dead Fugly. Then Valjean carries Marius down into a really deep pit of murky water, which is weird considering that there is plenty of room for him to walk on either side, but SOMEONE stops him before he drowns himself. You may not believe me when I say this, but it's Thénardier! He's all, "Let's go halves!" and steals COSETTE'S HANDKERCHIEF out of Marius's pocket while passing Jean the grate key. THIS WILL CERTAINLY BE OF IMPORTANCE SOMEDAY.

Someplace Else. Valjean carries dead Fugly right up to his old pal Javert, and they decide to take him to his grandpa in the Accurately Named Rue des Filles-du-Calvaire. For someone who always complains that various Valjeans never come out of the sewers completely covered in crap the way Hugo said they were, I find that I get really grossed out when I see that Depardieu's coat is caked in poop.

The Gillenormand Gate, Not to be Confused with the Rue Plumet, the Sewers, or the Prison. Basque (I guess) is all, "Whatchoo want?" and Javert's like, "We're bringing Monsieur Gillenormand his grandson." Basque says, "M'sieur Gillenormand doesn't HAVE a grandson… anymore…" and Javert's like, "He's dead." Basque: "Oh, well okay then! Cool! Bring that corpse on in here!"

Chez Ye Grumpy Olde Man. Gillenormand stomps around and complains about what an asshat his fugly grandson is. Then he puts on one of Amadeus's rejected wigs.

Downstairs. Gillenormand is very upset that his beloved grandson is dead. Valjean and Javert stand in the background, probably holding hands, just long enough for him to yell at them. Then they run off. I'm pretty positive that Javert says the following to Valjean as they leave: "You're mine now [baby." Then Marius comes to with this really creepy dead expression on his face, and Gillenormand is glad. Loony is not.

Poop- and Blood-Stained Carriage. Valjean wants to go say goodbye to his daughter, and Javert's like, okay.

Valjean Family Manse. Continuing in the trend of weirdly honest relationships, Valjean tells Cosette all about how Marius is gonna be just fine, and she can marry him if she wants, and Daddy's going away with the nice leather-clad inspector now, so be good for Señor Toussaint. Cosette is confused. Javert is gone. Valjean stares at Cosette and plays with his candlestick.

Where the Cops Are At. Javert, like, lets some guy free or something, and then leaves.

The River In-Seine. Javert strolls along with his hands behind his back, or SO YOU THINK until a close-up reveals that he has handcuffed himself. Behind his own back. And he has leather gloves that match his leather trenchcoat. Why didn't they go all the way and make his top hat leather too? Anyhoo, he slowly, slowly strolls into the river until the water is over his head, and then his top hat floats away. Hilariously. Oh gosh, I gotta watch that again. And add pop music. Or something. Any suggestions on an appropriate song? Cos I'm totally going to do that and put it on youtube.

Chez Gillenormand. Cosette has come to visit, and Gillenormand keeps quoting the Book! "Adorable!" Wow, this is exciting. So, anyways, Cosette and Marius nuzzle each other.

Two Grumpy Olde Men. Valjean and Gillenormand discuss Cosette and how he's not quite her father, which is annoyingly honest but saves in bandage fees for faking-a-sprained-hand. Also, Cosette is hella rich. Valjean pouts when Gillenormand mentions the kids' impending marriage.

A Square, as in, a Town Square. The remaining Thénardiers, which includes the lovely Madame, wander through a crowd and awesomely pick about ninety pockets in under three seconds. Then they see Marius and Cosette coming out of the church, so they set their own little bloodhound, Azelma, on the case. She jumps on the back of one of the carriages and they ride away. Hm, I feel like I saw this brand of stalkery in another LM movie… one that I can't mention or it will undo hours of therapy… one that came out two years before this 2000 miniseries… IF YOU MENTION IT IN A REVIEW, I WILL BE LOCKED UP FOR TRYING TO POKE MY BRAIN OUT AGAIN. DON'T YOU DARE DO IT. DON'T. DO. IT.

Chez Ye Grumpy Olde Men and Some Newlyweds. A party is happening. Cosette notices that Valjean is pouting in a corner by himself, so she shows him that they have a bedroom all set up for him, featuring candlesticks! Say it with me: Valjean gazes at Cosette and plays with his candlestick. (That doesn't really happen, but it would be even more awesome if it did, don't you think?)

Valjean leaves the party, which Cosette finds distressing, and Marius finds it distressing that Cosette finds it distressing, and Gillenormand, in the next room, is also distressed like his wig. Such trouble Jean has created!

Rue Plumet. Lonely, sulky Valjean finds a note that Señor Toussaint left on a mirror… written with something white… which means that Señor Toussaint invented the Metallic Marker! Honestly, though, I understand that the guy couldn't talk, but does that also mean he couldn't write on paper? Anyway, Valjean goes into Cosette's room and sniffs her pillow. Do you think I'm kidding?

The Most Horrific, Mind-Numbing, Scarring, Inappropriate Les Mis-Related Thing I Have Ever Seen, and I Have Read R-Rated Valjean/Javert. Valjean tells Marius the deep, dark story of his past. It's kind of amusing that he always introduces himself as "Valjean. _Jean_Valjean." Also, I discover that if you cover up the lower half of Marius's face with one hand, just leaving his eyes and brow visible, it can make your own eyes stop bleeding. Try it; it totally works! Then I started to wonder if Fugly was wearing eyeliner. Well, is he? It kinda looks like it. (Obviously, I was very bored and only half-listening.) But then… THIS happens:

Valjean: I love Cosette.

Marius: Yeah… as a father…

Valjean: No. I _love_ Cosette.

Loony: (explodes)

OMG WTF NONONONONO!

Marius is understandably EFFING FREAKED OUT, albeit not as EFFING FREAKED OUT as he should be considering Jean's body was just randomly taken over by Judge Turpin, and so Valjean leaves. AUGH. Suddenly, the love I had for Valjean's sweet little relationship with Cosette has been tainted! Damn you, movie; you've TAINTED it! TAINTED! Do you hear that thumping noise, France? It's VICTOR HUGO TURNING OVER AND OVER AND OVER IN HIS GRAAAAAAVE!!!!!

GAH! Ugh. Ick. Yuck. Blech. Okay.

Okay.

The Horny Old Man Montage. Valjean moves Cosette's mattress onto the floor, probably SNIFFING IT AGAIN, and grows progressively older as he wanders through the streets of Paris. That's what you get for being DISGUSTING, YOU DIRTY, DIRTY PERV! He shows up Chez Marius and they have a talk about how convict-y he is, and how he gave Cosette honest money, and Marius is being kind of a dick, and for the first time ever I have no qualms about hating him, because he is hateful and fugly. The real Marius just seems so… passionate and silly… which is much cuter than hateful and fugly. Or having inappropriate relations with Gavroche. Not cute.

The Bedroom of Madame Cosette. She's sleeping, and Marius comes in, and Loony gets very, very concerned about where this is going. Fortunately, she's actually crying because she misses her daddy, and Marius tells her he went to Egypt. Yeah, whatevs.

Chez Ancien Forcat. Valjean—_JEAN_Valjean—is getting REALLY old now. Not his face or anything, just his hair. So he writes a letter to Marius and Cosette about how much he wants to marry them both and have a big happy threesome, except maybe without Marius, but he stops and crumples the letter up in a fit of angst. Cosette's old blotter with the backwards Marius letter is also there, so he goes on ahead and crumples that too.

Later. Basque shows up with a doctor, and ol' Depardieu is all sickly and in bed. I mean, he still LOOKS the same, except his hair is longer and scragglier, so he's obviously Very Ill. Valjean and the doctor have a meaningful chat about lurve.

The Sewers. Pretty Madame Thénardier helps her husband get all spiffied up, including finally combing that hair.

Chez Marius's Really Long Coat. The doctor and Basque wander around, as does Marius, who enters The Bedroom of Gillenormand's Wig all, "Why's the doctor here?" and then Gillenormand, my champion, basically tells Marius he's an asshat because Valjean is DYING and needs a doctor, and if that's how you take care of your wife's beloved father, what are you going to do when _I_ get that decrepit? Put me in a HOME somewhere? Dickweed. But then Marius is all, "You don't get it, man! There's HISTORY here!" and Gillenormand's like, "STFU, BOY, BEFORE I GET MY CANE!" At least, that's how I interpreted it.

The Part Where the Baron de Thénard antagonizes Marius. The Baron de Thénard antagonizes Marius, but this doesn't make sense because not ONLY has Thénardier previously been introduced to Marius by Gavroche, but Marius also wrote him that letter about his father and Waterloo, so Thénardier has no excuse not to just come in and be like, "Hey, 'member the guy who saved your dad? Yeah? Well, I could do with a handout." instead of all this 'baron de Thénard' crap. Anyway, he whips out the old Ursula handkerchief, and Marius is all, "GRR I HATE YOU GET OUT OF MY HOUSE p.s. here's some money." Then Fugly goes running upstairs to wake Cosette, who is obviously protesting her stupid marriage to Fugliness Incarnate by refusing to ever get out of bed, and they run outside and hop in a carriage.

The Carriage. Marius is HONEST with Cosette about everything, and she thinks he is an asshat.

Chez the Horny, Grumpy, Dying Old Man. Marius and Cosette encounter the doctor, who's all, "Whew, you JUST made it!" and leaves. They go into Valjean's room (which may actually be Cosette's old room), and he's pulled the mattress over by the fireplace and he's all covered in blankets and Loony loves him again as dear old bearhug Depardieu for just a second. Then she remembers how skeevy he is and is freaked out. Anyway, Valjean hears them approach but doesn't feel like rolling over to look at them, seeing how he thinks it's the doctor, so he starts asking 'the doctor' to play with his candlestick, cos he's too feeble to do it himself. Cosette goes over and Plays with his Candlestick, and Valjean sees her in the mirror and starts rambling about how much he loves her. The actress who plays Cosette is pretty and a good actress, so yeah.

Cosette and Marius Console Valjean Until He Dies. There is a bright light. Cosette gets handsy with his corpse, so I guess it runs in the family.

Roll credits, to love another person is to see the face of God, _il__dort_, etc.

Now… go watch the '57 film or the '82 miniseries, at that'll make it All Better.


End file.
